The Saddest Day of My Life, January 23,2002

So, January 23rd, 2002...I went into labor with my first child, at midnight. I was young, so young, I had no clue what labor felt like. So, thinking that I was just really bloated or whatever, I foolishly get into a bathtub, which eased the pain for a while. Fast forward a couple of hours, and I am back to crying, hurting, and finally it dawns on me to wake my mother up and tell her something is DEFINITELY wrong! She rushes me to the Labor and Delivery Unit, and I immediately get checked in and checked out, only to find out, that I am fully dilated and ready to deliver, right then! I thought, surely there is some mistake, it was way too early for this. I was only 6 1/2 months along, and I was pretty certain that you needed to be wayyy further along before you welcomed a healthy baby into the world right?

Well, unfortunately I was right, you did need to be further along. Although, they didn't know if my son Dakota would come out alive or not....they weren't sure if they could save him. And they asked me one of the hardest questions THE hardest questions I will ever have to answer in my life, I hope. 'What would you like for us to do?' WHAT? 'Would you like us to try to save your son if he comes out alive and breathing? Keeping in mind, that he will almost certainly be deaf, blind, and have cerebral palsy?' Oh good Lord, what was I supposed to say?

'OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO TRY!!' It was the only logical answer I could think of, hello I am a mother! Not a monster! (This is what I was thinking back then at 16 years old)

Luckily, God made the decision for me, I had silently asked God to please guide me, and tell me what I was supposed to do, what He wanted me to do' And he decided to take Dakota Home with Him. Only 15 minutes before I delivered Dakota, his heart stopped beating.

I never in my wildest dreams nightmares, thought I would have to bury my child before I buried my Grandparents...Your child is supposed to bury you, not the other way around! 

Needless to say, it was so horrible, the most horrible day of my life. 

I left the hospital the next day just to go and make funeral arrangements, this was definitely not how this was supposed to work.

Anyhow, fast forward to the year 2011, as I sit here and honestly think about everything, if I had to do it over again, being older, more mature, having other children, knowing that I was indeed in labor and not to wait for the hospital, OR to NEVER get in a bath while your in labor as it only speeds up the process. Goodness sakes, what would I do?

What would I do, when the Dr asked me what I wanted to do if he was born alive? 

To be quite honest, I don't know, I think about it a lot, and I still don't know. Part of me says I would say no, don't do anything, what kind of life would my child have had in that condition, and part of me says it is totally heartless to not give him a chance, even though his life wouldn't have been the best it could have been with all of the 'issues' they say he would have had... I don't know, its mind boggling, I hate thinking about the different possibilities, all of the what ifs, I just don't know!

And it kills me that I don't. 

I would NEVER take ANY of my children back for the world, my angel baby or my living babies! They are ALL MY babies! And they always will be!

But it hurts that I don't know what my decision would be now that I am older, and have a better concept of what childrens' lives should be like. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with any of the above mentioned handicaps BUT all of them together? 

Its just heartbreaking!

Anyways, thank you for letting me vent, I really, truly needed it right now!